It was good to be a pirate in the Middle Ages: he robbed many churches, sold gold from there and bought himself the rank of bishop with the proceeds. And now – now you yourself forgive sins, now you yourself are the church. Then you can even become a Pope yourself. If the eggs are steel, of course. And Balthazar Cossa had balls of steel. When he, already under the name of John XXIII, was overthrown from the papal throne, he was accused of 74 sins, among which were piracy, rape of three hundred nuns, sodomy, torture of bishops, and poisoning. dads, selling church positions and all sorts of little things like an orgy with the whole family, including father, mother, son and young daughters. Contemporaries joked: 74 charges are obvious slander, he is guilty of only half of the counts! And do you know how it all ended? Balthazar Cossa lived a happy life, and his tombstone was designed by Donatello himself. Because people adore truly charming scoundrels born in 1370 into the family of an earl. The pope ruled on the island of Procida near Naples. His older brothers were pirates, and the eldest of them is widely known as the “admiral of the pirate fleet.” Balthazar became addicted to piracy at the age of 13. He loved to sail in galleys and plunder the coast. He robbed until he was 20, until his mother intervened. His mother’s word is sacred, so at her request, Cossa gave up his childhood hobby and went to the city to go to university. Mom was right: the other sons of the gangsters were later hanged for piracy, but I felt sorry for Balthazar – he had wise eyes. In Bologna he received the position of theologian. He was no worse at studying the word of God than he was at burning villages and raping. He gathered a group of students called “10 devils”, and this is the 14th century, you have to understand – then words were not thrown around so easily. Robberies, fights, petty racketeering. At university I fell in love with a witch. The official name of the witch, according to Inquisition documents, was Yandra de la Scala. She was smart, careless and too hot, for which she was sentenced to the stake. Balthazar is not a fool, he immediately killed two inquisitors, for which he himself went to prison. They were saved by friends, students and pirates. Together they took half of Bologna to hell. Riot, arson, a bunch of dead inquisitors. The session is clearly overloaded. We need to run. They fled to the sea, more piracy, more slavery, burning of villas and rape. Cossa and his feyonce harbored a grudge against the priests. With special grace, they burned monasteries, robbed altars and sold nuns to the Berbers. They angered God, he sank the entire fleet and Balthazar swore: “If I sail out, I will become a priest.” He swam out, but fell into the clutches of some local sadist and pervert, just like in Pulp Fiction. Pope Urban VI turned out to be crazy, a lover of red iron and talk of hell. They suddenly began to sing with their sadyuga dad. He, like all monsters, was sentimental. The story of the rescue of the pirate-theologian captivated him, and he proposed: “Will you be my executioner?” Here refusal, of course, is not an option. And Balthazar was tortured for the glory of the Pope. Urbano had just captured a group of bishops who turned their noses up at him and did not want to be friends. He tortured them until they recognized him as a kind and nice guy. Balthazar turned out to be a good executioner, but dad saw a spark of intelligence in him, like mom, and made him his thug. Balthasar went to the people who were saying bad things about the Pope and made sure they didn’t say anything else. He wore a cassock because he was no longer a murderer, but a priest. He fulfilled his oath, he was pure before the lord Urban VI. Urban VI soon gave his soul to this very lord, and Benedict XVI took his place. Benedict was damn afraid of his servant, but he appreciated him. I decided to check it out: I sent him to suppress the rebellion in his native Bologna. Balthasar did not cry for his country and suppressed it to such an extent that even the inquisitors were disgusted. I tortured him myself, beautifully, but I understood that you can’t torture everyone. And why? He laid claim to Bologna in memory of his university days. Balthazar used to run rackets on these streets, but now they are his property. It’s good to be a priest, but it’s even better to be a bishop. And he did just that. He took out a bank loan and spent it wisely – on bribes for the prescription. Dad realized that it was better to be friends with such a bastard and made him his right hand. It was in vain that Balthasar himself decided to become Pope. Prostitutes are boring, nuns too, enemies are dead, it’s time to make new ones. And the best way is to declare that you are second only to God. And it wasn’t difficult. At that time there were already two Popes in the church. One in Rome, the other in Avignon. And both shout that the other Pope is an impostor. Such church schizophrenia. And the third Pope integrated into it normally. Balthasar found a suitable grandfather and gathered other bishops. They immediately understood: they would torture, there was a precedent. They agreed, met in Pisa, pale with fear, and appointed their grandfather as pope. The Pope’s grandfather’s name was Alexander V. He ruled for only one year and was just a decoy. When it became clear that things had gone wrong, Balthazar poisoned the old man and took his place. No longer Balthasar Cosso, but the Holy Father John XXIII. Be good. Now there are three dads: two impotents and one pirate. “Yes, he is a pirate, yes, he is a rapist, maybe a beastman, but overall he is a good person,” people decided. And they reached out. There was a chance to become the only Pope, but Balthazar did not feel it. But they probed him. And all the serious people, tired of the madness with the Popes, came together to solve everything wisely. We met in the city of Konstanz. It would be good if they stopped at knives – then Balthazar would have every chance. Each Pope hoped that he would be left and the rest would be thrown out. But serious people, emperors and other hierarchs, arranged a surprise. They overthrew everyone, even the Romans. And they built a new one, under the name of Martin V. Balthazar was accused. 74 points: sodomy, denial of the afterlife, sale of holy relics, murder of Pope Urban, currency transactions, sex with one’s own granddaughter, burning of monasteries, torture of bishops. Of course, lies and slander. Of the 74 points, half are fiction. But a pirate is serious, it’s forever, and Balthazar was able to escape. I hid and was caught. He was sent to prison, but was released for 38 thousand florins in gold. He remained defiant to the last: he came to the new Pope and asked to make him a bishop again. And he agreed and gave him his native Bologna. And he lived happily ever after, and four years later he died of cancer. And on his grave they erected a monument made by Donatello himself. Now it is a very beautiful, holy place. It may seem that God, who once gave the pirate a second life, did not punish him for his insolence. But he punished. When Balthasar returned to the Medici bank to collect the money left there, he hoped for interest. It had to be accumulated during his imprisonment. But Medici said: “Sorry, but I took the money from Pope John XXIII. So I will return it to him, but not to you.” He deceived the deceiver, outwitted the pirate. From now on, bankers, not popes, rule the world.
0 комментариев